Penumbra’s original elixir salutis, vindicated against all counterfeits, &c. or; An advertisement by Nathan Maxwell Cann & Haley Samas-Berry, of New Orleans, citizens and students in physick. Penumbra Inc’s original and famous elixir salutis: SNAKE-OIL, the choice drink of health: or, SNAKE-OIL, the health-bringing drink. Our bottles are filled with the most vivacious, most esoteric botanicals on the market (or available for purchase, at any known historical or ahistorical markets). Each one is pack’d full of wild harvested, 100% USDA certified, Organic placebos. Penumbra’s Bonafide Snake Oil: a famous cordial drink, found out by the providence of the Almighty, and (for above twenty years) experienced by himself, and divers persons (whose names are at most of their desires here inserted) a most excellent preservative of man-kind. Never needs winding. A secret far beyond any medicament yet known, and is found so agreeable to nature, that it effects all its operations, as nature would have it, and as a virtual expedient proposed by her, for reducing all her extremes unto an equal temper; the same being fitted unto all ages, sexes, complexions, and constitutions, and highly fortifying nature against any noxious humour, invading or offending the noble parts. Never published by any but by Penumbra Inc., students in physick, psychick, & moral reasoning. Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations. Skip the middlemen. FRIENDS, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE TRUE PANACEA.
Why would you need Snake Oil, you ask? Well, if you take a moment friend, I would like to answer your question with a question of our own. What ails you? Because this product could cure anything. Why, it may cure everything. Mix it with Sulphur. Put it up your nose. Throw it at your Mother-In-Law. Use it for protection. Love spells. Curse your enemies. Use it for floor-washing, ritual bathing, & Sunday sweeping. Bring back old lovers. Take away your stutter. Place it under your bed. Keep it in your pocket to win at Gambling. Use it in conjunction with Goofer Dust or Hot Foot Powder. Protect your home. Get money owed to you by friends. Keep a rival in jail. Sprinkle it on your baby’s head.